The Beginning

I am eagerly anticipating what lies out there for me to find, discover, and experience.

I have wanted to travel for years and now I am finally doing it. The closer I come to venturing out that door the more scared I become. I find that I use my need to be fully prepared as an excuse not to leave.

It is an internal battle between leaving and staying. It is a futile battle because eventually I will leave. I take actions that will prevent me from leaving for a time but then I take other actions that force to have to leave.

I find that I no longer feel comfortable at home. It does not feel right being here. I no longer feel like I belong here. I find that I am easily depressed when I am home. I order to keep from the circle of depression I am trying to concentrate my time and efforts on the work that I need to do prior to leaving. The largest of which is finding medical insurance and, of course, a boat that will take me into the pacific.

I find that I get annoyed by my friends and family when they inquire about my trip. This is an unusual feeling. I feel guilty for having the feeling. I know that my friends and family are just curious, worried and excited for my trip. I know that I should feel happy that there are people that care about me and my travels; I do sometimes. More often then not, however, I have a recurring feeling of annoyance towards them. I feel this is for two reasons: 1) I already feel guilty that I am not traveling yet and their persistence in asking only deepens my guilt. 2) As distant and as closed off as I normally am from my friends and family I believe it will be difficult to leave them all. The more annoyed I become with them and the more distant I become with them the easier it will be to leave. I highly doubt that last statement is true. It will be difficult in any case I imagine, but because number 1 is most assuredly true, number 2 is hard to shake off.

It is funny to look at the mind games we play with ourselves; leading up to my trip, mind games are all I feel I am experiencing right now.