Brockwood Park School: Mature Student Program

I find myself to be completely disconnected from my old life back in California. There are times that I want to talk to friends and family members back home, but I just do not know what I might say to them. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am in a new place doing a new thing for reasons which I cannot fully explain and really do not enjoy explaining. I do feel quite guilty for being so disconnected from all my family and friends.

For those of you who do not know, I am in England attending a school called Brockwood Park. I am what is known as a Mature Student at the school. I have written an article for the school newspaper trying to detail exactly what a Mature Student really is. This will help to explain what I am doing here and perhaps why I have chosen to come.

Here is the article:

What are the Mature Students?
At Brockwood Park School, any permanent resident is given the title of Staff, Student or Mature Student. The role of Staff and Student is relatively straightforward as their titles' seemingly suggest what their purpose, goals and activities might entail. But what exactly is this person who is called a Mature Student? What does a Mature Student do? Why are they there? What do they provide and/or gain from the educational institution of Brockwood Park School? In order to convey the role of a Mature Student at Brockwood I must first give the context in which we all live.

What is now called Brockwood Park School was once a plantation/manor-house with supporting buildings owned by the local farming family the Mortons. In 1969 the Krishnamurti Foundation and Trust of England bought the buildings along with 40 acres of land and converted it to school use. Located in the county of Hampshire, England, Brockwood is a boarding school set in the countryside surrounded by fields, trees, rabbits, sheep and alike. During term time, the school is filled to its current maximum capacity with about 65 Students ranging in age from 14 to 19, and originating from about 25 different countries. The majority of Staff that teach at Brockwood, live at Brockwood along with the Students and Mature Students. Staff take on not only the role of teacher/educator, but the role of parent as well. Their duty is to raise a healthy individual with a mind and body capable of meeting life's daily challenges in a manner that does not restrict the natural ebb and flow of life, but rather compliment it.

The primary goal of the school, originally laid down by the founder, J. Krishnamurti, is to educate individuals to question all aspects of daily life; to not accept what others say is truth, but to discover for one's self what truth really is. The idea being that an individual who can perceive life as it is will be capable of living with no internal conflict concerning what one is and what one believes one should be. However, the manner in which this education is to be carried out is not written down in any manual or text that Staff can follow and abide by. Instead, it is left open for interpretation, discussion and attempted implementation. Additionally, the school is physically rooted in a society that demands it conform to certain rules laid down by government and, if a Student is University bound, by the strict entry requirements mandated from said bodies. These facts combine to create a very difficult task for the Staff members of Brockwood who try to balance their educational style with the realities of higher education and a form of education heavily emphasised by founder Krishnamurti. Staff members constantly find themselves stuck in the grey area between educating a student to fit into society as it stands and educating the student to create a new society born of the ideas stressed by Krishnamurti.

This different approach to education, and indeed to life itself, attracts people of all ages, experience, education and background. Krishnamurti's intention was not to educate only young students at Brockwood Park School. Rather, he viewed education as an on-going process that never stops no matter what age a person is. Thus born out of these ideas is what would become the present day Mature Student Program. Though not a firm rule, in general, the Mature Students are between the ages of 21 to 28 years old. There have been Mature Students older than 28 and there have been Staff hired younger than 28. Mature Students were originally termed "Open University Students", indicating that this was a program for individuals of a certain age who have already passed through their mandatory education and are choosing to continue their academic pursuits in the physical and religious realm of Brockwood Park School. At some point, this title was dropped and was replaced with the Mature Student title. Whether or not the original intention was to have Open University Students enrolled in a sort of external academic program while attending Brockwood is unclear. What I can tell you is that this is certainly not the case today. There is no pressure from Staff upon the Mature Students to pursue any kind of academic achievement. What then are the Mature Students expected to do if not study some kind of academics? After all, the term student seems to indicate some form of intentional learning goals.

There are a few things that the Mature Students are expected to do while living at Brockwood. Seemingly the most important practical role is the physical work that aides in the daily functioning of the school. Unlike the younger Students, Mature Students do not pay tuition to live at Brockwood. Instead, they work 20 hours a week which pays for their room and board. There is a lot of work to be done in the school, but usually a Mature Student will perform a job on any given workday in either the Kitchen, Vegetable Garden, Grounds, Maintenance, Housekeeping, Primary School Inwoods, Krishnamurti Center or Krishnamurti Foundation. Through the work, Mature Students are learning practical skills and knowledge from the job they are assigned to perform. The school does make an effort to allow each Mature Student to perform the job or jobs he/she is most interested in. Besides the work, it is expected that the Mature Students have, at the very least, a casual interest in the teachings of Krishnamurti and that they try to incorporate these teachings into their daily lives and relationships. Finally, it is stressed that the Students of Brockwood may look to the Mature Students as role models of sorts; Students may come and seek advice or help in personal matters. Mature Students fill the age gap that normally exists in traditional schools where perhaps the oldest student is 18 and the youngest teacher is in their mid to late 20s. Thus Brockwood exhibits a natural age range within its confines. Additionally, most Mature Students are not in an authority role over the Students which may make it easier for the two groups to form connections. Mature Students are therefore encouraged to develop healthy interpersonal relationships with Students provided the relations do not turn romantic in nature. Mature Students are then accepted or denied enrollment in the school on the grounds of their willingness and ability to work at and for the school, their interest in Krishnamurti, and on their ability to form and keep healthy relationships with all other members of the school. Besides these three points, after acceptance into the school, Mature Students are left to do what they please with their free time provided they do so within the boundaries of the law and the guidelines of Brockwood.

From a practical point of view, the Mature Students are essential to the operation of the school. Brockwood is always running under a very tight budget. There are jobs that need to get done and if there were no Mature Students to perform these jobs, it would mean paying someone to do it at the expense of the already heavily stretched school budget. So in this way, the Mature Students are needed by the school and are at times viewed simply as practical help by Staff and Students, and not much else. The typical Mature Student works five days a week for four hours at a time. This gives them plenty of time, even during their days of work, to do other activities of their choosing. They can opt to attend classes offered to Students provided the instructor allows them and it does not conflict with their work schedule. If a Mature Student is versed in an area or areas of study, they can choose to offer classes. Finding new staff to teach at Brockwood is a constant challenge. There are always new Staff coming and going and it is a welcome treat for the school if a Mature Student is willing and able to teach a class or two. Teaching will replace their normal work duty as long as it is under 20 weekly hours worth of work, however, preparation time for classes is not a factor in this calculation. Mature Students that do teach find themselves with much less free time compared to Mature Students that perform typical work duties for the school. So it should be clear now what the Mature Students are offering to the school. They have become essential and mandatory parts of the operation of the school. They fill the natural age gap which would exist if not for their presence which also adds a sense of completeness and wholeness to the family of Brockwood. They perform necessary tasks which the school has come to rely upon, including teaching. However, all this having been said, this does not explain why a Mature Student would come to Brockwood. Why have they chosen to attend Brockwood?

Every individual Mature Student has his/her personal reasons for choosing to come to Brockwood Park School. In general, however, I have personally observed that most Mature Students are in a search for something. What that particular something is may be different from individual to individual, but there does seem to exist a quality of trying to find answers to any number of life's questions. I do not wish to attempt to speak for all Mature Students and give a general, all-encompassing answer as to what we are all doing at Brockwood and why. I can only speak for myself.

When I am asked why I chose to come to Brockwood as a Mature Student, I tend to stare at the questioner with what I believe to be a confused face. It has been very difficult for me to convey my decision to come because no explanation could ever fully describe the reasons, feelings and intuition that accompanied this choice in my life. When I was about 13 years old, there began a feeling and sense of emptiness and incompleteness that existed in the fabric of my every day life and activity. I interpreted this feeling as a lack of happiness and satisfaction with life. Acting under this belief, I was forced to ask, if I am not happy what must I do to become happy? The next logical step after this thought was a move in the direction of pleasure. Pleasure and happiness seem to coincide together in the general thought of Western society. It seemed though that no matter what I did in this endless pursuit of pleasure, the feeling of emptiness persisted. This feeling did not change after I graduated from school and got a job. I was forced to ask myself, why? Why was I unhappy? I told myself that I had so many good things in my life; there are people that love me, I have a job that pays a lot of money, and I live in a country that allows me relative free movement and experience. The rest of the world should be so lucky, I thought, however I was still dissatisfied constantly. I quit my job and I left the country to travel the world thinking that if I leave everything I know and have grown secure in, then perhaps I will find something different and new...perhaps even something I was missing and failing to understand. I found that I did not leave my troubles behind when I left the country, rather I took them with me. I was forced to realize my troubles were within me and and not without me. It was during this period of travel that I was introduced to the writings and talks of Krishnamurti and to the existence of the Mature Student program at Brockwood. His words spoke about this feeling of emptiness and incompleteness. There seemed to be something of great value and importance in what Krishnamurti talked about. I arranged to have a perspective week at Brockwood. It was during this week that I had a moment in which I felt that it would be important in my life journey if I chose to come. If I had to give this feeling a name, I would call it a gut feeling or extra sensory perception. It was this feeling, much more so then any thought or idea, which persuaded me to come to Brockwood.

For me, Brockwood is a physical place where I am allowed the space and the time to explore myself fully, to be open and honest not only with those around me, but more importantly with myself. If I am to truly understand this feeling of emptiness it is essential that I explore myself without the need to change who I am in order to conform to what I believe others wish me to be. Brockwood is a place which tries to allow for this type of an environment to exist. I find myself surrounded by people who, at the very least, are receptive to the journey I am on if not able to completely understand and sympathise with my feelings and thoughts on the matter. Yet even with all of that said, I still have a feeling of emptiness and so I push on in my journey and continue my presence at Brockwood Park School.

Every Mature Student is present at Brockwood for their own personal reasons, but they are all gaining something from the school, be it simply practical experience from their work or something deeper and more difficult to explain. They provide an invaluable service and help to make Brockwood a complete and well-rounded institution. They are both teachers and students, but have the luxury of not being identified and categorized into either role. They are free to live life at Brockwood as please, only involving themselves in what personally interests them...as long as they have done their work.

Daniel Burgess
Mature Student '09-'10
Brockwood Park School

Cancer and Addiction

In our society we tend to get the impression that in order to be happy in one's life you must do certain things in order to attain such a state. You must get a good job, make a lot of money, have a family, etc. Once you do all of these things then somehow, magically, you will be fulfilled and that void in the center of your being will cease to exist.

It is apparent to me now, that our society as a whole has no clue how to live life in a healthy and meaningful manner. In life, it does not matter what you do, who you are with, where you live; in order to be fulfilled and close that void in the center, you must realize that there is nothing you can do to close the void. There is no action or inaction that you can take which will force yourself into a state of happiness. There is no use trying to avoid fear or any part of life that is distasteful, in fact this only makes things worse. It is only a matter of knowing that life is truly simple in its mass complexity. The moment; the here and the now is where the mind must be if we are to ever survive as a species.

As far as we know, we are the only animal on the planet that is consciously self aware. This is our blessing and our curse. It means that we have the ability to see how our actions will alter our reality and change our future. The only problem being that we are all out to make our own lives better. "I" come first and everything and everyone else comes later. If you look at the the earth you realize that everything that exists here lives in a simple balance of extreme complexity. The life of one species is mutually beneficial to others and vice-verse. This is true for all species, except for ours. If mother earth was a body and a life in of itself, humans would be the cancer of that body. We are the cells gone astray. We are not helping or being beneficial to the whole, we are simply there taking all the resources around us and using them to grow larger and larger. There are only two possible outcomes when it comes to cancer; either the cancer kills the host or the host kills the cancer. Unless we change, we are on a pathway to our own destruction. A path that we can all clearly see coming, yet cannot avoid. We would like to avoid it, but we do not understand why we are on this path in the first place or how we got there.

We are much to busy trying to control the future...trying to set things up so that we will be happy tomorrow or the next day or a year from now. We do not even know what this word happy means. It is just some vague idea of what life might be like if everything were perfect. Most of us have not ever experienced this happiness that we can remember. However, there was a time when all of us experienced that which we all seek. Memory cannot hold this experience which is exactly why an individual cannot think themselves into a state of happiness. Thought is all based on memory, knowledge and experience. As soon as we realize we are in a state of happiness and ask ourselves why, that state ceases to exist. Thought must be taken out of the equation.

There is a reason why in a state of economic depression, one of the industries that actually saw a gain in sales is the entertainment sector. When people feel down and out they look for something to distract them from how they are feeling. This is the true root of addiction. How can a person turn down the idea that they can do something here and now that will take their mind completely off of that which is troubling them? When the mind is completely focused on one specific thing, (be it video games, a movie, rock climbing, gardening, biking, sex or any action) the mind is then not focused on that which is unsettling. Of course, these actions are perceived to be relatively harmless and of course people would be right. The action is not harmless, but it is the reason that you are doing these things that are. If these actions are used as an escape from the thoughts that you are trying to run away from, then it is a huge problem...one that is not addressed or even understood in society as a whole. This is why the drug wars will go on forever. As long as we do not understand the root of our problems, they will never get solved.

Why is there such a dichotomy when it comes to Marijuana? There is a call by a growing group in America to legalize Marijuana because it is not harmful and actually helps people who have chronic pain. These people say that pot is non addictive, while others say it is. Scientifically we know that pot is not chemically addictive and mind altering like alcohol and harder drugs out there. Yet all of us at some time or another have met a person who seems to be addicted to it. Marijuana, like everything else, is not free from it's addictive capabilities. It all depends on why you are smoking it. Is a person using it to run away from the thoughts that plague them or are they using it for something else? Pot is just the lightning rod which blatantly demonstrates our societies misunderstanding with the true root of the problem. Anything can be addictive if it is used to run away from fear...and we are all running.

Think About It

I have recently come to realize that thoughts are that which plague and haunt my existence day in and day out. It is my thoughts and the way I think that is the direct contributor to the way I feel at any given time.

For the longest time I would always try to associate the way I felt to external stimuli. Perhaps I am having a difficult time with one of my friends, my back hurts, it is cloudy outside and I am not getting enough sun, my car needs work, I have this or that to do etc, etc, etc. I always operated under the assumption that it was the things that happen in my life that make me feel a certain way. It has now occurred to me that all of these instances and times where I place blame on circumstance have nothing to do with my feelings of depression, anxiety, fear, loneliness and so on. These feelings, or rather, states of mind are developed within myself by myself. My thoughts (the way I see and interpret the world in my head) are what makes me feel the way that I do.

If I never had a single thought I would never feel depression, anxiety or fear. When I say fear I am not referring to the fear that you experience when on a high ledge or when confronted by a dog that wants to attack your jugular, but the fear that is derived from thinking about the future or the past. Yesterday it hit me that my feelings of loneliness might be a plea for an escape from these thoughts. I am looking for someone to distract me from these thoughts and feelings that I am experiencing. In doing so actually using that person that you end up seeking out to temporarily relieve your problems.

How does one control thought? Is there a way to stop thought with thought? This seems to be impossible for me. After all, if thought is the very thing in which you are trying to control, thinking about it is counterproductive. This is what I have found myself doing for the last couple of days. Thinking about thought and not being able to control that which is haunting me at the present moment. I feel trapped in an endless loop. A loop that I am aware of, yet unable to manipulate or change. The more thought I give it, the deeper and deeper I am consumed with the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

When ones problem lies solely in that of the mind and is dependant on thought and thought alone, there is no consolation or comfort to be had from external sources. No person, place or thing can change that which you think. It is up to the individual alone to solve ones own problem. My problem is one of thought and I know of no way to change my thoughts other than to think about them which will inherently give power to the feelings that I have experienced now for years.

The Future Plan...

When last I wrote in my blog I spoke about the feelings of anxiety and fear that I have been experiencing on a regular basis since my return home from my travels. I am at a point now where I understand these feelings much more then I did when I last wrote about them.

I can remember being in 5th grade and coming to the conclusion that if I did not go to college and get a "good job" (which meant a high paying job to me), then I would not be living up to the expectations of society or my family. I felt the pressure, even then, to do good in school and get good grades so that I could get into a good college and then get a "good job" so that I can be successful. It was in this thought that I began the planning of my future. My long term goal then was simple: be perfect at school. I needed to be perfect so that I could stand out above the rest of my peers. Needless to say this self imposed pressure took its toll quite quickly and I broke under the surmounting pressure as the years wore on as things became to much for me. I will not go into this because I have already spoken about it in previous blog posts at great length (see Understanding My Past). The reason I mention this again is only to point out that it was here that me thinking about my future life began and I suppose it has not yet stopped. More importantly, however, is that I began planning in my head what I needed to do in the here and now and in the future to attain success as society sees it. It is ever since this moment that I have always had a plan in motion that is working me towards my goal off in the distant horizon. Of course this goal has changed or been revamped as time goes on, but the point is that there was always a goal to be met and I was always working towards that goal in some form or fashion. That is, until I returned from my travels in November.

Once I returned home, almost immediately I began having feelings of anxiety and fear. These were not feelings that I was unaccustomed to. It was not long before these feelings were so overwhelming they were affecting every aspect of my life and I began to slip into a cycle of depression. The feelings that I was undergoing were not foreign, but there was something different about the severity of it all. No matter what was happening in my life or the choices that I made, the feelings only seemed to get worse as time drew on. I tried to keep myself occupied with volunteer work and chores in the hope that my mind would be relieved of the strain while I did things that benefited others. However, except for the time that I was with Irene, it seemed no matter what I did, where I was or what was going on I felt the walls closing in around me and my feelings got more pronounced and progressively more difficult to deal with. I went deeper and deeper in the cycle of depression to the point where I could not take it anymore. I came to the decision that everything in my life needed to stop. No more volunteering, no more needless chores, no more huge list of things that needed to get done. I decided that all my time and energy needed to go towards me getting healthy and climbing back up the ladder of depression. Shortly after making this decision the weight I felt in my head lifted somewhat and I was able to think a bit more clearly. I realised that a lot, if not all, of the anxiety, fear and subsequent depression that I have been going through is directly related to me not having an ultimate goal off in the distance that I am working towards. No longer was my future certain; no longer did I have something that my mind could hold onto to keep me from loosing all sense of direction and in doing so becoming surrounded by fear, doubt and helplessness. Fear that I will never become "successful". Doubt that I will never be content or happy in my life and the helplessness that then ensues from these thoughts. Since the age of 10 I had always had a plan and now at age 25 I am now starting to understand how this plan and the thoughts that go along with them have effected me and my life thus far.

With this new found understanding came the subsiding of the massive amounts of fear and anxiety that I had been experiencing on a daily basis. I came to understand that having no future plan in my life makes me afraid on so many different levels, but that I cannot run from that fear or attempt to stop it. Instead, by embarrassing this fear and not acting upon it in any way the fear dissipates. It is like FDR said...the only thing to fear is fear itself. I am thus learning to be comfortable with the fact that my life has no future plan. I am attempting to live life in the here and the now; to live life in the moment rather then for tomorrow or the next year or years. This concept is something that I have not done for the last 15 years, and I find it is extremely difficult for me. My mind seems to constantly be searching for what is going to happen in my future. It seems to be a habit for me...something so automatic that I do not realise that it is or has happened. There was a point when I was actually quite comfortable and perhaps even happy to feel as though I have nothing on the horizon that I am working towards. I felt as though it has freed me to enjoy the smaller things in life as they happen instead of being so preoccupied with the future that I miss out on things as they happen. I felt happy that I can be content in the here and now instead of waiting for the day when I finally can be happy once all my plans come together. This feeling proved to be short lived as I came to realise today that I have a plan, but not one that I feel I can easily dismiss. I feel quite conflicted about having a plan at all, but I feel this is an opportunity that I should not let pass by without exploring the possibilities. Allow me to explain.

Last year when I was staying with my cousin in England I was going through difficulties which I now understand also deal directly with the things I have stated above. I was going through such mental trouble that my parents took it upon themselves to send me two books full of talks and excerpts from the philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti. Since reading these books I have been intrigued by this man, his take on life and how he feels it should be lived. His words are very pointed, deep and profound and I find that his words have helped me to understand myself better. In my research of the man I came across a school that he founded in England. This school has a program for people my age and I applied to attend last year (their school term starts in August), however things did not work out and I was put on the waiting list for 2009. I have now been invited to come and stay at the school for a prospective week to see if I will fit in and for me to see if this is even something that I wish to do. It is now my plan to take a trip to England to stay at the school for a week. In doing so I have fallen back on that which I have known for the last 15 years wherein having a goal in the future gives me temporary releif from the fear that I would otherwise experience. I am glad that at least I can see and understand what is happening in my head as these events unfold.

I am looking at my future and I wish to see a blank slate. I do not want to have anything set in stone as it seems to dull the things that happen in the here and now, but this school may have something of worth for me there. I will not know unless I go and investigate.

The more time that passes, the more I cannot help but feel that everything in life happens for a reason. I do not know what those reasons are, but I feel as though everything that I have gone through and am going through is leading me to a place where I am meant to be. I just need a mind that is open and free enough to see it.

The New Blog

Every day is a new day in the life of me. Upon waking up, it does not matter what I have done the previous day or days. I could have saved the world yesterday from a massive attack from aliens and it would not matter today. I am always concerned with what I am going to do today. Or rather in my head it typically goes something like: "What am I not doing right now that I should be doing?".

Life since I have returned home has been filled with a great deal of mental difficulty. On almost every morning since my return home I wake up and immediately I am filled with feelings of mass anxiety and fear. For the longest time I could not really tell why I was waking up and being overwhelmed with these feelings. My normal reaction to this has been to want to sleep longer in the hopes that I will then wake up feeling refreshed and ready to take on the new day. This, however, has not happened once yet. Typically if I do go back to sleep at all, I will then be bombarded with dreams of a terrible nature and the feelings that I have will increase in their strength and severity. This is quite unusual to me because I am very much accustomed to sleeping soundly and peacefully. For the last couple of years, sleep has almost always been the one thing I can count on to consistently make me feel good in my life. It seems now that this is no longer the case.

I have a long list of things I wish to accomplish that are either down somewhere on paper or in my mind. Over the last several weeks since my return home, I have not really been able to accomplish any of them. I believe that I now understand that the feelings that hit me as soon as I wake up, and then are a burden the rest of the day, are related to this list of things that I have yet to accomplish. I feel that this list has become my job. These are tasks that I do not really want to do, but rather things that I must do and in this thought, all of these tasks then become my job. However, this job has no breaks and no time off. It is a job that exists every day of my waking life and has since I have returned home...that is until this morning when I awoke to find myself without anxiety and without fear for the first time in what seems like a long time. Now it all makes perfect sense because today was the first day since I have returned home that I did not expect myself to accomplish any task during the day. Today I expect myself to do absolutely nothing in the way of my "job". Today is simply about doing what I want to do, when I want to do it and nothing more. There are no expectations that will not be met. There is no fear about falling behind in my perfectionistic, task oriented mind. In essence, today is my first day off from work for a long time. Oddly enough, having a day off has given me the insight and passion to write a new blog. Ironically, writing a blog has been one of the things on my long list of tasks that I need to do. So here I am in the morning of my "day off" doing something that I have told myself that I needed to do for a long time now, but have not because of the overwhelming and all consuming feelings of anxiety and fear that have been controlling my life.

Now I need to determine what I should do now that I am aware of what is going on in my head and what is the major contributing factor to how I have been feeling since my return home. I suppose my cognitive behavior therapy training might come in handy in this case. Lowering my expectations of myself while at the same time giving myself credit for the things that I do accomplish may help me cope. I am very harsh on myself, and I know this...yet I find it very difficult to be anything but my own harshest critic and worst enemy.

THE NEW BLOG:
I am back from my TREK around the world and now the holidays are over. The question on my mind is where do I go from here? I really have no clue. Will I travel again? Maybe. If I do travel where will I go? I do not know.

This blog was made specifically to chronicle my travels around the world and the experiences that I had as I did them. It seems to me though, that this blog has evolved beyond to be just about travel. It has become something much more personal to me. It is a way for me to express my feelings and emotions in a way which could not otherwise be possible. Writing allows me to express parts of myself that I could not otherwise express. It helps me to sort out my feelings and emotions and also allows me to give the people in my life a way to perhaps better understand who I am and why I do what I do.

With this in mind, I have renamed my blog and changed the main focus to be not about my travels, but about me and my journey through life. Not quite as exciting I guess, but whatever.