Think About It

I have recently come to realize that thoughts are that which plague and haunt my existence day in and day out. It is my thoughts and the way I think that is the direct contributor to the way I feel at any given time.

For the longest time I would always try to associate the way I felt to external stimuli. Perhaps I am having a difficult time with one of my friends, my back hurts, it is cloudy outside and I am not getting enough sun, my car needs work, I have this or that to do etc, etc, etc. I always operated under the assumption that it was the things that happen in my life that make me feel a certain way. It has now occurred to me that all of these instances and times where I place blame on circumstance have nothing to do with my feelings of depression, anxiety, fear, loneliness and so on. These feelings, or rather, states of mind are developed within myself by myself. My thoughts (the way I see and interpret the world in my head) are what makes me feel the way that I do.

If I never had a single thought I would never feel depression, anxiety or fear. When I say fear I am not referring to the fear that you experience when on a high ledge or when confronted by a dog that wants to attack your jugular, but the fear that is derived from thinking about the future or the past. Yesterday it hit me that my feelings of loneliness might be a plea for an escape from these thoughts. I am looking for someone to distract me from these thoughts and feelings that I am experiencing. In doing so actually using that person that you end up seeking out to temporarily relieve your problems.

How does one control thought? Is there a way to stop thought with thought? This seems to be impossible for me. After all, if thought is the very thing in which you are trying to control, thinking about it is counterproductive. This is what I have found myself doing for the last couple of days. Thinking about thought and not being able to control that which is haunting me at the present moment. I feel trapped in an endless loop. A loop that I am aware of, yet unable to manipulate or change. The more thought I give it, the deeper and deeper I am consumed with the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

When ones problem lies solely in that of the mind and is dependant on thought and thought alone, there is no consolation or comfort to be had from external sources. No person, place or thing can change that which you think. It is up to the individual alone to solve ones own problem. My problem is one of thought and I know of no way to change my thoughts other than to think about them which will inherently give power to the feelings that I have experienced now for years.