The Future Plan...

When last I wrote in my blog I spoke about the feelings of anxiety and fear that I have been experiencing on a regular basis since my return home from my travels. I am at a point now where I understand these feelings much more then I did when I last wrote about them.

I can remember being in 5th grade and coming to the conclusion that if I did not go to college and get a "good job" (which meant a high paying job to me), then I would not be living up to the expectations of society or my family. I felt the pressure, even then, to do good in school and get good grades so that I could get into a good college and then get a "good job" so that I can be successful. It was in this thought that I began the planning of my future. My long term goal then was simple: be perfect at school. I needed to be perfect so that I could stand out above the rest of my peers. Needless to say this self imposed pressure took its toll quite quickly and I broke under the surmounting pressure as the years wore on as things became to much for me. I will not go into this because I have already spoken about it in previous blog posts at great length (see Understanding My Past). The reason I mention this again is only to point out that it was here that me thinking about my future life began and I suppose it has not yet stopped. More importantly, however, is that I began planning in my head what I needed to do in the here and now and in the future to attain success as society sees it. It is ever since this moment that I have always had a plan in motion that is working me towards my goal off in the distant horizon. Of course this goal has changed or been revamped as time goes on, but the point is that there was always a goal to be met and I was always working towards that goal in some form or fashion. That is, until I returned from my travels in November.

Once I returned home, almost immediately I began having feelings of anxiety and fear. These were not feelings that I was unaccustomed to. It was not long before these feelings were so overwhelming they were affecting every aspect of my life and I began to slip into a cycle of depression. The feelings that I was undergoing were not foreign, but there was something different about the severity of it all. No matter what was happening in my life or the choices that I made, the feelings only seemed to get worse as time drew on. I tried to keep myself occupied with volunteer work and chores in the hope that my mind would be relieved of the strain while I did things that benefited others. However, except for the time that I was with Irene, it seemed no matter what I did, where I was or what was going on I felt the walls closing in around me and my feelings got more pronounced and progressively more difficult to deal with. I went deeper and deeper in the cycle of depression to the point where I could not take it anymore. I came to the decision that everything in my life needed to stop. No more volunteering, no more needless chores, no more huge list of things that needed to get done. I decided that all my time and energy needed to go towards me getting healthy and climbing back up the ladder of depression. Shortly after making this decision the weight I felt in my head lifted somewhat and I was able to think a bit more clearly. I realised that a lot, if not all, of the anxiety, fear and subsequent depression that I have been going through is directly related to me not having an ultimate goal off in the distance that I am working towards. No longer was my future certain; no longer did I have something that my mind could hold onto to keep me from loosing all sense of direction and in doing so becoming surrounded by fear, doubt and helplessness. Fear that I will never become "successful". Doubt that I will never be content or happy in my life and the helplessness that then ensues from these thoughts. Since the age of 10 I had always had a plan and now at age 25 I am now starting to understand how this plan and the thoughts that go along with them have effected me and my life thus far.

With this new found understanding came the subsiding of the massive amounts of fear and anxiety that I had been experiencing on a daily basis. I came to understand that having no future plan in my life makes me afraid on so many different levels, but that I cannot run from that fear or attempt to stop it. Instead, by embarrassing this fear and not acting upon it in any way the fear dissipates. It is like FDR said...the only thing to fear is fear itself. I am thus learning to be comfortable with the fact that my life has no future plan. I am attempting to live life in the here and the now; to live life in the moment rather then for tomorrow or the next year or years. This concept is something that I have not done for the last 15 years, and I find it is extremely difficult for me. My mind seems to constantly be searching for what is going to happen in my future. It seems to be a habit for me...something so automatic that I do not realise that it is or has happened. There was a point when I was actually quite comfortable and perhaps even happy to feel as though I have nothing on the horizon that I am working towards. I felt as though it has freed me to enjoy the smaller things in life as they happen instead of being so preoccupied with the future that I miss out on things as they happen. I felt happy that I can be content in the here and now instead of waiting for the day when I finally can be happy once all my plans come together. This feeling proved to be short lived as I came to realise today that I have a plan, but not one that I feel I can easily dismiss. I feel quite conflicted about having a plan at all, but I feel this is an opportunity that I should not let pass by without exploring the possibilities. Allow me to explain.

Last year when I was staying with my cousin in England I was going through difficulties which I now understand also deal directly with the things I have stated above. I was going through such mental trouble that my parents took it upon themselves to send me two books full of talks and excerpts from the philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti. Since reading these books I have been intrigued by this man, his take on life and how he feels it should be lived. His words are very pointed, deep and profound and I find that his words have helped me to understand myself better. In my research of the man I came across a school that he founded in England. This school has a program for people my age and I applied to attend last year (their school term starts in August), however things did not work out and I was put on the waiting list for 2009. I have now been invited to come and stay at the school for a prospective week to see if I will fit in and for me to see if this is even something that I wish to do. It is now my plan to take a trip to England to stay at the school for a week. In doing so I have fallen back on that which I have known for the last 15 years wherein having a goal in the future gives me temporary releif from the fear that I would otherwise experience. I am glad that at least I can see and understand what is happening in my head as these events unfold.

I am looking at my future and I wish to see a blank slate. I do not want to have anything set in stone as it seems to dull the things that happen in the here and now, but this school may have something of worth for me there. I will not know unless I go and investigate.

The more time that passes, the more I cannot help but feel that everything in life happens for a reason. I do not know what those reasons are, but I feel as though everything that I have gone through and am going through is leading me to a place where I am meant to be. I just need a mind that is open and free enough to see it.