Busy

Currently I am in London. Today I had quite an interesting experience. One thing that I meant to do when I was in New York City, but never got a chance to since I ended up sick, was to head into China Town and have some Dim Sum. I decided that I would make up for that missed opportunity here in London. This evening I walked down into China Town and found a particular Chinese restaurant that I was searching for that I knew served Dim Sum. I ended up finding it, unfortunately they stopped serving Dim Sum at 5pm and I was there a little after 7. I ended up still eating there and had some Ma Po Tofu, which is my favorite Chinese dish. Anyway, I digress; onto my point of an interesting experience. Upon walking into this establishment I had the most peculiar sensation that I was back home. Somehow, walking in and sitting down in a Chinese sit-down restaurant means home to me. Perhaps it is because Chinese happens to be one of my favorite fares or maybe it is the type of people that a Chinese place draws. Whatever it was, it was certainly nice to have a taste of home.

I have not written a blog in a while and rightly so, I suppose. I have been quite busy. I do not feel like I have gotten that much accomplished in the last couple of weeks, because somehow I have a huge list of things that I have been meaning to do (writing a blog being one of them), but I just have not had the time to sit down and actually do them. I might end up doing quite a bit of catch up work tomorrow so that I may cross off some items on my ever growing list, however, I am in London and I have no obligations to do anything tomorrow. I may end up doing some touristy things around town like going to see the Tower of London or there is a Chinese Art exhibition being put on currently that sounded quite nice. I suppose I will just see how I end up feeling tomorrow morning and decide from there. Although, there are probably some things on my list of stuff to do that I will need to accomplish tomorrow. So then, what then has been keeping me so busy that I have not had time to do what I want, or in some cases, need to do?

Well, my acting classes for one thing has taken up the last two of my Saturdays, this one included. I got back from class a couple of hours ago, took Miriah for a walk, then ate at said Chinese Dim Sum restaurant. The classes have been lots of fun and tomorrow I plan on signing up for at least the next class coming up this Saturday and possibly the next one after that as well, however, the latter is a iffy because it will not be a possibility for me to stay with Charlotte here at the Madison House in London. It is perfect for me to stay here while taking these classes because I literally walk outside the door and go across the street to where the classes are being held. The class starts at 10 and I can walk out the door here at 9:59 and still be on time; it is quite wonderful. However, if I do end up taking the class on the 12th, I will not have that luxury. I am thinking I will try to find someone that I can couchsurf with here in London. After all, London is one of the most surfed cities in the world. Although, so is NYC and I had a hell of a time trying to find anyone to host me there simply because anyone who hosts constantly has guests staying with them. Hopefully tomorrow I will have that all straightened out. The thing that has been taking up a lot of my time, or at least a lot of my limited mental power, is helping Jerry with a project of his at work. Jerry has been developing a test that he administers to patients at the hospital in Leicester who have suffered from injuries to the head and may or do have brain damage. The test he is developing sets out to be able to access the abilities and functions that may be inhibited by the injuries the patient has received. It is a fairly large and all encompassing test that looks at numerous brain functions. In theory, using this test as data to stand on, Jerry can: make educated assessments of what functions his patients may or may not be able to do or perform in their daily lives; help guide other psychologists, case managers and social workers in providing care that meets these patients needs; determine what problems these patients may have with adjusting back into a "normal" life; as well as determine whether or not his patients should or should not be given further care from the UK's National Health Care System (NHS). So far, Jerry has 3 years of data logged for the test that he has put together. Jerry has wanted to put together a much more presentable version of the test so that he can present to a test publisher here in the UK in order for other psychologists worldwide to make use of it, which is the first of it's kind, as far as Jerry knows. My role with this test started out small with me simply redesigning some elements of the test and putting it together in a nice looking fashion using the computer. Since then, it has grown into us wanting to redesign entire modules of the test and now even producing at least one if not two parallel versions of the test along with doing some major graphic design work to really enhance the overall look and presentability of it. All in all, this has been what I have been spending a majority of my time doing. I have gone into work with Jerry a couple of days to his job in order to put some time into this growing project. We are both very excited about the prospects of what it can and will do once it is all together. I hope to really be able to help Jerry make this test what he wants it to be so that it will be published successfully and used widely. In the hands of psychologists around the world, this test has the potential to identify problems for people with brain injuries and damage early on so that they can be provided with the proper care they need and deserve. There is certainly a lot of work to be done on the development of this test(s), but even if I am not with Jerry that much longer in my travels, I will hopefully be able to continue the work while I am moving about. Oh, and of course, I have been out in the yard continuing my work in the garden. So far I have displaced over 6 tons worth of dirt, rubble and rocks out of their yard and I still have quite a ways to go with it. Earlier this week I transplanted a bush/tree to another part of the yard to make room for some more digging, trenching and wall building that will happen sometime here in the near future. So this is pretty much what has been keeping me busy. Needless to say, I have been spending a lot of time talking with Jerry. Not only about all the work that is in our future, but also with personal matters. Jerry and I get along very well and it has been great developing our friendship.

Looking towards the future, with all of the work that is still left to do, it seems that I will be with Jerry and Charlotte for a while still to come. Near the end of April, Charlotte will be coming home to Seaton for 5 weeks. She will then be returning to London come June when the new school term starts and she needs to return to manage the house here where all the James Madison University kids stay while they attend class. When Charlotte does come home to Seaton, I will then be leaving for at least 3 weeks traveling around the UK in order to give Jerry and Charlotte some much needed time alone together. I know for sure that during this time I will be taking a 5 day guided tour of Scotland as well as visiting Cambridge. Other then that, I have many ideas about other places that I may wish to visit, I just have not had the time to research any other locations. One major thing on my list of things I need to do is make an itinerary for those 3 weeks. There is nothing to say that I will return to Seaton after those 3 weeks are up, but considering all the work that will certainly be outstanding, I will most likely want to come back to help out as much as I can.

I am quite enjoying being here in the UK and I am very excited about what the next couple of weeks will hold for me. I now that I will be busy, and that is a good thing.

Weather Permitting

Apparently we are a few weeks away from the beginning of the English summer. The hours of light are steadily growing longer and plants are starting to bloom. I hope to take some nice pictures and see some beautiful countryside without rain and overcast skies in the coming weeks. It has been rather overcast here in Seaton over the last couple of days. I, personally, do not care for overcast skies as they tend to make me feel somewhat down and depressed. Yesterday started out as a beautiful morning promising clear skies and good weather. As soon as I had that thought, the skies dimmed and the clouds took over. Progressively the day just got darker and darker until finally the rain came down. Looking at the forecast: today calls for light rain then heavy rain on Saturday and Sunday; both Monday and Tuesday should be clear and happy days.

After some delays due to bad weather here in the UK, Jerry is back home from his vacation to Italy with Charlotte. They had a pleasant and relaxed time, but now are back to work with Jerry here in Seaton and Charlotte working and living in London. It has been nice having Jerry back home. I have been able to share with him some of what I have been going through recently and he has been quite helpful. Having company to look forward to at the end of the day has been quite nice. Miriah also seems quite pleased to have Jerry home.

Now that Jerry is back, I am also back out in the yard doing projects out in the garden. Currently, I am digging out a fair portion of dirt and material from a place where Jerry, eventually, hopes to be able to build and place a shed for tools and other odd bits. Since Jerry has been back we have been able to discuss plans for future projects out in the yard. There is much to be done and plenty that will keep me busy while I am staying here with Jerry in Seaton. Yesterday I was out in the yard hauling dirt most of the day. In order to haul out the dirt, first I had to move a compost pile from one area of the yard to another. That has to be one of the most disgusting things I have ever had to do in life. My body feels a little battered and beat this morning from the workout I received yesterday, however, weather permitting, I am planning another day out in the garden today finishing up the dirt hauling and completing some other smaller projects. As I write this, the weather is indeed overcast, but with luck the rain will not start until later on in the day. All the outdoor work that I have been doing is toning up my body and making me feel healthier in general. I have lost 5 pounds since I have left for my trip and hopefully gained some muscle mass.

Overall, I have been fairing much better emotionally then I was a week ago at this time. My parents sent me some books to read after my viewing my blog entitled "Fear". I have started to read and dissect one of them and it seems to be helping. At the very least, it is giving me something to concentrate on when I do not have other things to keep my mind occupied. I have been having regular conversations on the phone with my parents via Skype which has been both comforting and helpful. Actually, I have been talking more often with them now then I ever did when I lived with them; funny how that happens. Certainly having Jerry back home has helped me feel more normal as well. Also, I was able to speak with Irene on the phone the other day. Because she has been so busy with her school work, seeing as how she is upon finals, and due to my extreme emotional behaviour, we were out of contact for about a week. Having finally talked to her on the phone the other day has given me peace of mind and, of course, I do love speaking with her.

I am looking forward to the next coming weeks. Jerry and I have been discussing things that we would possibly like to do together. This coming weekend, Jerry will be studying quite hard as he has a paper due at school that he needs to work on. Currently, he is studying to become officially certified in the UK as a Neuropsychologist. In which case, this weekend will be a good time for me to also do a bit of reading in the books my parents sent me; that is unless the forecast is wrong and it will not be raining, then I will most likely be out in the yard working. The following two weekends after this one I will be in London. I have signed up to take two acting workshops at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts which just so happens to be held right down the street from where Charlotte works, and where I will be staying. In the mean time, I have done some looking into places here in the UK that I would possibly like to go and visit. So far, I am fairly certain that I will visit Cambridge, Stratford-Upon-Avon (home of Shakespeare), and take a 5 day guided tour of Scotland.

Now I am off to take Miriah for her first walk of the day then into the yard for some more dirt removal...weather permitting, of course.

Emotions

Sometimes I feel like life is all one big joke set upon us by some creatures or creature wanting to see what would happen if they did X.

The emotions that I have been feeling lately are so strong and all consuming, it makes me wonder why it seems that no other animals share in these emotions? As humans, are we really the only animals on this planet that have the capacity for "higher thought"? Is it because we think that we experience these overwhelmingly powerful emotions? Perhaps emotions are natures way of trying to keep us in check and not let our thoughts stray us to far away from what we are meant to do in life. But then again, what purpose do we have other then to procreate? Every other problem we, as humans, face is simply manufactured by our own thoughts and actions in our never-ending quest to live better lives.

I have seen dogs in the midst of fear. I have seen cats become angry. I have never seen another animal in the thralls of pain, suffering, anguish and sadness of the likes that we as humans experience from time to time. I would like to think that if we are the only animals that experience this sort of mental pain, then perhaps we are also blessed with positive feelings of emotion that other animals could never even dream of experiencing. If this is true, then would it not be a fair assumption to think that there are emotions that exist outside the realm of human thought and understanding that we will never know or experience? Even if there were such emotions, I do not know if I would want them. Ignorance is truly bliss and animals seem at peace in their bliss without human emotion. I find myself thinking that I would want the tranquility of life that animals seem to experience. Animals seem perfectly content going about their days, following their instincts, free of the thoughts that plague the human mind. It almost seems like the perfect life... Almost, except for one tiny detail. If living as an animal meant that I did not have the capacity to love, would I want to be an animal? Knowing now what love is and what love feels like, I would have to say no. That means that I would freely take all this emotional pain, suffering, agony and sadness that I have been experiencing for the last couple of weeks, months and years of my life if only to have just a little taste of love once more. This notion almost seems obsessive, but if I were to be obsessed with one thing I suppose love would be the best choice.

Is love an emotion that only us human animals experience or is there something similar that other animals go though. There is certainly courtship in nature that other animals experience; some animals are mates for life. Do these animals experience a form of love or even the same form of love that we as humans know? If the answer to that question were yes, then it would be possible that they could and may also experience all the emotions that we do. How would we ever know?

How do we truly know what another animal is thinking or feeling. For that matter, how do we know what another person is feeling? I can try and relate through words what my feelings are like, but I could never make someone else feel that which I do. In that case, how could we ever compare one persons feelings to another? Can we ever really understand what another person or creature is going through emotionally or physically? I can fall down and scrape my knee and feel the pain that is caused by that injury. Another person could fall down and have the exact same injury, but do we feel the same amount of pain? Surely we both feel a sense of pain; our bodies are telling us that there is a problem and that we have hurt ourselves. Is it not possible though that the amount of pain an individual experiences differs from person to person? The amount of pain that I feel when my knee is scraped could be comparable to the same feeling of pain someone else gets when their knee is broken. As humans, we all know what pain and pleasure feels like, but we can never really know the intensity of anothers pain or pleasure. We simply assume that it is comparable, or the exact same, as we experienced and have come to know.

Before I knew what love was, or felt like, I would ask people about it in order to try and understand what this thing called love was all about. Everyone had a different version of love and what love was. No one had the same answer, if they could answer at all. In fact, what love was for one person was completely different then love for another. Yet, we all use the same word to describe a feeling that differs from person to person. How can we effectively communicate with one another when a single word has so many different meanings for so many different people? Love is probably the most perplexing and complex of all the emotions that we as humans experience, but that is not to say that perhaps there are other emotions that we may have trouble communicating about with each other simply because we do not have the same definitions of what these words mean and what feelings they are associated to.

For myself, I find that sadness, anger and depression are very difficult to differentiate between, even within my own mind. Recently, I have been experiencing a lot more anger in my life then I am used to. I do believe that this anger is directly related to all the other emotions that I have been experiencing. I am reacting to things with anger that should not evoke anger, and yet it does. I find myself questioning if it really is anger I am dealing with or some other emotion that is manifesting itself as anger. How then am I supposed to communicate these feelings to others, when I am not even sure what emotion I am experiencing?

If life is just a big joke played on us, then whomever the mastermind of my joke is must be having a laugh. I hope it is a good laugh; one of those laughs that really take you out of life and into another realm. With luck, one day I too will be able to reread this blog post and experience the same thing.
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On a side note: I would like to thank everyone that has helped and supported me with their words of encouragement and enlightenment through these weird times of my life. I am extremely fortunate to have so many people that love and care for me. Thank you.

Smooth

For the first time in a long time I have shaved my beard off. My face feels like it is wet most of the time because it is not used to the cold air. This look will not last long as I certainly plan on letting my beard grow back in, but I will have to shave from time to time because it is the only means I have in order to keep my beard at a manageable length. I remember now why I like my beard so much: It keeps my face warm; it makes me look older (or does having no hair make me look younger?); and I do not have to shave.

Jerry and Charlotte return from their trip tomorrow. Jerry should show up here fairly early tomorrow morning. I am quite looking forward to seeing Jerry again as I am sure Miriah is as well. Jerry took tomorrow and Tuesday off from work so I should have plenty of company for the next couple of days. I am hoping to be able to share some of the mental hardships that I have been experiencing with Jerry and hopefully he will have some clever insight to offer, as he normally does.

I have spent the last two days either researching places in England that I want to visit or I have been cleaning up the house in anticipation for Jerry's return home. Having finished the jobs that I was tasked to do outdoors last Friday, I was quite afraid that not having much of anything to do over this weekend would bring trouble for my thoughts. I found that having something to keep my mind occupied did help me when it came to controlling the overwhelming emotions I have been experiencing as of late. The weekend seemed to pass by with less trouble then I anticipated. Certainly cleaning house today helped things quite a bit. I felt rather like what my dad must feel like on a regular basis: Constantly cleaning things that you know are bound to very quickly become dirty again and yet we clean them anyway. After having cleaned the kitchen quite thoroughly, I did not really want to eat anything because I knew I would dirty up something that I had just finished cleaning. Alas, my hunger got the best of me although I did not heat up my dinner, but only ate it cold so I would not soil any pots. Cleaning is a never ending cycle...much like what I have been experiencing in my thoughts this last week.

In 2 weeks time I will be traveling back to London where I have signed up to take a couple acting lessons. Acting has always been something that I have had a slight interest in, but have never fully explored. I did take an acting class in Jr. High, but I was so shy that I had difficulty expressing myself, let alone another character. I am looking forward to being able to act.

Seaton Pictures: Update

I have added some pictures to my Seaton Album. You can see them by clicking on the link below:

Seaton, England

Fear

It is Wednesday and I am a couple days into my house sitting/dog sitting extravaganza here in Seaton, England. It has been a difficult couple of days for me as I am extremely bored most of the time and even more lonely then I am bored. Thankfully, Jerry and Charlotte gave me some tasks to do out in the yard while they are gone. These have been keeping me busy and I feel like I am doing something helpful and good.

Currently I am trying to fit a ton of dirt, rubble and general bits of worthlessness into a tiny dumpster they call a "skip" here. The job is taking me much longer then I thought it would, but that is probably a good thing considering after this job is done, I will not have any more to do work wise until Jerry and Charlotte return from their vacation in Italy which will not be until this coming Monday. Right now, it is 3pm here in England and still light out. I could be out in the yard continuing the work that is awaiting me, but my body is very tired from all the action that it has seen over the last couple of days work out in the yard.

I find that I am very depressed here in Seaton. There is not much I can do or places I can go seeing as how I have a dog I need to walk twice a day. Miriah is twelve years old and is starting to show it. When I am not walking or feeding her, Miriah also seems very down and depressed. She takes to sleeping most of the day away and when she is not sleeping she is staring at me with eyes that tell me she is not very happy. This really does nothing for my mood as it generally makes me quite tired most of the time and her demeanor certainly does nothing to make me feel better about what is going on in my life. And just what is going on in my life?

Not that much, and that I think is one of the problems. I feel quite static and stuck here in Seaton. I feel even more stuck in my own mind. I am constantly thinking about the future and what my future holds for me. I day dream about what will happen in the coming months. What will happen? Where will I go? What will I do? Who will I meet? Will I ever find what I am looking for? Will I ever feel better? There are so many questions rolling around in my head and I cannot seem to do much of anything to silence them. Most of these questions are downright ridiculous to even be asking since there is no answer. I should not be worried with such things. I should be concentrating on the here and the now; enjoying my trip. For whatever reason, this is extremely hard for me to do. I find myself breaking down and crying for reasons that I do not even understand. I am not a crying type of person; or at least I never used to be. Crying was something that was reserved for special occasions when something terrible would happen or when I would think about my old dog Charlie. Now, though, I am a crying person. I have cried more since I have arrived here in Seaton then I have probably in the last 3 or 4 years. I am hard pressed to know why, although I have a sneaking suspicion of what it is.

Life for me has been mostly about unhappiness and dis-contentedness. Overall, I have been quite unhappy with what I have been doing at any given time in my life. There were moments of happiness and times where I really felt like I was doing what I wanted and I was where I wanted to be. For the most part, though, life for me has been quite trying. All of that changed very recently.

When I was in the middle stages of planning my trip, one of the things that I knew could potentially make my trip very difficult was if I were to get involved in a serious relationship with a woman prior to my departure. I made an active effort to keep this in the forefront of my mind. I did not want anything from back home constantly on my mind while I was away. As luck would have it, I met and fell in love with Irene shortly before my departure on my trip. In fact, I actually delayed my trip so that I could spend as much time with Irene as possible. Why would I do such a thing? I was doing the very thing that I told myself I should not. As it was, I could not help myself. The time that I spent with Irene were the happiest moments of my life. I was content and relaxed any time I was with her. It was truly amazing. I had finally found what had been evading me for so many years: contentment. I loved every moment of it, and it was all because of Irene. I made the decision that I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible before she left for school in Oregon. All the time that I spent with her only strengthened the bond that I shared with her and it did not take long for me to realize that I was in love for the first time.

The very short time that I was able to spend with Irene before her departure to school and my departure on my trip was the happiest of my life. I think it is for this reason that I cry. I have a great amount of fear in me currently and the thing I think I fear the most is that I will never again be as happy as I was in those moments with Irene. I fear that I have reached the utmost pinnacle of happiness in my life. I fear I have reached that pinnacle and now I am venturing downward never again to feel what I had when I was with Irene. The thought is terrifying and it suffocates me even in this moment as I sit here trying to convey my thoughts on feelings into words.

Should I then go back home to Irene? Should I pursue what I know in my heart to be the greatest thing that has ever happened to me? The only answer that I can come to at this moment is no. At least, not yet.

I feel I need to learn how to be happy on my own. I know that if I were to follow Irene in her life, I would eventually kill any chance at a relationship that she and I have. I would be following her as an incomplete person. A person with no passion, no love and no happiness in his own skin. The thought that I need another person to make me happy in life scares the hell out of me. I think it is this notion that would eventually drive Irene away from me if I chose to follow her.

One thing that I have learned in the recent past is that life is all about relationships. We humans are social beings and we need other people in our lives that we can count on, love and trust. Irene is one of those people for me...perhaps even the most wonderful of them all. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her, and yet I cannot go to her now. I know it would be the end of whatever we have. At the same time though, I worry that on my trip I will change into a different person. I know that this trip will help me to grow as a person; I just hope that it will not change me into a person that would hurt what I have with Irene.

I have so much fear for the future and I feel so helpless to do anything about it. My thoughts haunt me and I am finding no escape from them here in Seaton.

Understanding My Past

I started writing this blog a couple of weeks ago. It originally started with me having somewhat of a quarterlife crisis. In an attempt to understand why I was feeling the way I did, I started writing about my past. It snowballed from being just about certain parts of my past to me basically writing about what I feel is the chronological meat and potatoes of my life so far. There are certainly things that I have not mentioned and probably things that I could ellaborate more on, but I feel this is a basic overview of my life so far. This writing has been an interesting journey for me and I have made some connections between the then and the now that I never realized before. If you decide to read this post, brace yourself, because it is quite long.

THE FIRST 5 YEARS OF LIFE
I suppose I would have to say that I did quite well in the first 5 years of my life. I learned to speak the English language. I became accustomed to the world around me and began my decent in social interaction with other people besides my family. This is really all I could hope to come out of my first 5 years, and I must say I pulled it off quite well. I am certainly satisfied with all my choices during this time (probably because I cannot remember them).

SCHOOL YEARS (GRADE SCHOOL)
I have known for a long time that I am perfectionist when it comes to a lot of things. I am my own worst enemy and harshest critic. If I have not done something perfectly, then I have not done it to the best of my ability, therefore I cannot be satisfied with the results regardless of what those results are [This is a terrible thought and it is something that have I struggled with for a long time in my life. I know this thought is unhealthy, but it part of me in a lot of ways and is very difficult to part with]. For many years now I have known that these perfectionist thoughts started very early on in my life, however, it was not until I had a conversation with my mom about my schooling did it become apparent to me just how early I developed this self defeating pattern.

Apparently, even as early on as 1st grade did I have predetermined thoughts about how well I should perform my studies. In my first grade reading program, I found it quite difficult to learn everything that was required of me. There was so much information given in such short periods of time that I formed the belief that I was not good at reading at all. I, therefore, grew a bitter hatred of reading then and there because in my perfectionist mind: if I cannot do it perfectly then I am a failure. I cannot remember any of this, but it makes perfect sense to me now. I never enjoyed reading throughout my school days. In fact, it is only recently in my life that I have come to find that reading can bring enjoyment into my life. I owe that realization to J.K. Rowling. And so, it is in these early years of my life (or perhaps even earlier) that I developed my thoughts and predetermined beliefs that led to me being a perfectionist at heart. These perfectionist thoughts would be the focus of my life during these years. Most of my thoughts revolved around school and the work I needed to do for it. I knew, even at these young ages, that I needed to do extremely well in school so that I could get into a good college and then get a wonderful, high paying, job. At that point in my life, that was all I could see at the end of the tunnel. I knew I had to go to college and I knew that I had to do everything perfect in order to get there so that I could get the job that I wanted (even though I did not know what job that was). This was an enormous weight on my mind day in and day out, even in grade school. Although, at this point in time, the weight was manageable and I was getting As and Bs. I never did get straight As at any point in my school career, much to my dismay.

It was because of these thoughts and beliefs that I had such a difficult social life during these times. I was not like the other kids at school. I was a nerd and I stuck out from the crowd. Ridicule, pestering and laughing is what I had to put up with because of how different I was. It did not bother me that much, but it did lend to me being shy and passive towards other people that I did not know. I was not completely divulge of all friendship, however. I made one very close friend, Daniel, who just happened to be a nerd like me. He was my best friend during these times and I was fortunate he was there. It was 6th grade when I met Alan who would end up playing an important role as best friend during Jr. High and early High School years.

My perfection was not limited to my schooling. During this time I was extremely athletic. In fact, now that I am thinking about it, I can remember as early as 2nd grade being absolutely determined to be the best at every sport I ever played. I always had to be the fasted kid on the playground, and at that time, I was. Anything I was not the best at, I would not play if I could avoid it; tether-ball being the main example of this. Why did I need to be the best? It all stems back to my perfectionist nature. I wanted to impress anyone and everyone. I needed to prove to them that I was the best. I needed to live up to their expectations of me; or at least the perceived expectations that I thought they had of me. Ms. McClure was my Physical Education teacher throughout most of grade school with the exception of forth grade. She was passionate about her job. She wanted all the kids to be fit, healthy and she wanted us to develop exercise habits we took with us into adulthood. Of course, I did not see that motive at the time. I thought she was looking for the fastest, strongest kid in the school and I wanted to prove to her that it was me. All I cared about was impressing her and showing her that I was the best. I remember thinking that she most likely would compare my athletic ability to other students she had taught in previous years. I recall day dreaming about breaking school athletic records and her being so proud of my perfect athletic prowess. It was with these notions and these beliefs that I came back to my elementary school while I was in high school to see Ms. McClure. I became confused and disappointed when I could see in her face that she did not remember me in the slightest.

To sum up these years: I was a nerdy, nearly friendless, extremely athletic kid that thought way to much about my future and how I needed to live up to other peoples perceived and believed expectations of me.

SCHOOL YEARS (JR. HIGH)
Puberty, sexual awakening, dating, drugs, alcohol, confusion, anger, fear pretty much sums up Jr. High for most people, I think. Being the nearly friendless nerdy kid that I was, I experienced it all except for the drugs, alcohol and the dating. Who is going to give a nerdy kid with no friends drugs and alcohol? What Jr. High age girl is going to date a nerdy kid with no friends, a bad dress sense who does not drink alcohol or do drugs?

Early on in Jr. High I had a falling out with my best friend, Daniel. Thankfully, I had met Alan the year prior and he basically took over as the best friend up until high school. Alan, was actually my only friend during Jr. High. After being teased and pestered for so long as a nerd in grade school I learned ways of dealing with those who would think of me as pray. I learned that having a quick wit was a must have in deterring those who had the need to feel superior from thinking of me as a target for them to take advantage of (making them look like a fool and having their friends laugh at them was especially useful). I was constantly on the defensive ready to ward off anyone that would try to put me down in anyway. I learned how to blend in with the crowd nearly to the point of disappearing all together. In doing so, I never made any friends in Jr. High. I ate lunch with Alan and followed him to the basketball courts where he was growing an interest in the sport and decided that he wanted to play. I never was all that great at basketball, but it did not take me long to get good. When I first started playing with Alan and his newly formed friends, I was always the last to get picked for a team. In a matter of weeks I was almost always the first. My athletic ability was still somewhat present, but it started diminishing.

PE in Jr. High was very different from PE in grade school. Ms. McClure was passionate about her job. She cared for her students and wanted them to develop habits that would help us in life. My teachers of PE in Jr. High were the complete opposite. Especially my 7th grade PE teacher. He had absolutely no care for his students and their physical education. All he cared about was getting his paycheck at the end of the day. He did not care how I did in PE. He could have cared less if I was the fastest or the strongest. He showed no sign that he expected any of us to do anything more then stand there. In Jr. High, a period was made up of 50 minutes of time. In PE, the first 10 and the last 10 minutes of the period were to change out of your school clothes and into your PE clothes. After changing into our PE clothes we were to line up in formation and wait for our teacher. There were numerous times that we would wait for our PE teacher for 20 minutes while he was doing who knows what. By the time he finally decided to come and tell us what to do we would only have 10 minutes before it was time to go inside and change. We would end up running a couple laps and then head in. It was truly pathetic and a complete turn around from what I was used to. It took away my drive to be the best when it came to sports and athletics in general, after all I was not expected to be athletic and no one would pay attention even if I were to try so why even bother? I fell out of shape, at least the form of shape I was used to, fairly quickly and I have yet to get it back. Habits and beliefs from these days still exist in me today, however. I am still extremely competitive and hate to lose at anything and sometimes that loss will trigger emotions that it really shouldn't simply because of my old beliefs that if I am not the best, then I am a failure. Nevertheless, my perfectionism, when it came to physical work, was broken. What then about my perfectionism when it came to school work?

School work in Jr. High was, of course, much more difficult then in grade school, and yet the pressure to succeed was increased ever more. I was not the only one thinking about college now; other people started talking about it: e.g. teachers, guidance counselors, parents and even students. This was new to me as normally I was the only one putting pressure on myself to succeed yet now it seemed to be coming from all around. It was becoming ever more difficult to do all my ever increasing work with perfection and stay sane at the same time. One immediate problem began to stem from my disdain for reading. Never before had I been assigned so much reading, and never before did I hate it as much as I did. My hatred of reading from those early days in grade school were still present and were magnified by 10 times when I would attempt to read these boring passages of history text. I would read two pages, stop, and come to find out that I did not retain a single line of anything my eyes had traveled over. This rose a fury in me that I attached to reading, of any kind, for years to come. I was a failure at reading, I knew it, and I hated myself for it. It made me so mad that I could not stand to do it. I stopped reading all together. It was only a matter of time before something bad happened, and it did.

With all of the mounting pressure I felt on myself to succeed and to be perfect, I felt myself slipping in many areas of study with the ever increasing amount of reading that was assigned with the work. I read only what I had to in order to answer the questions required for homework. I learned that by reading the first and the last sentence of every paragraph in text books, typically you could surmise what the author was saying in the parts in between. This relieved me from a lot of anger and frustration, but at the same time I worried for my future and what others would think of my failures.

In the 8th grade, I got my first D. I was devastated. I had a mental breakdown. The pressure to succeed was to much for me to handle and I could not deal with it anymore. I decided that I was not going to go to college and in making that decision I hoped it would lift the huge weight of pressure to succeed that I had been feeling for years. All of the pain and self inflicted torture of my mind was not worth it any longer. Thinking that I had to be perfect all the time and coming to the stunning conclusion that I was not perfect and never will be was difficult for me to accept. Now I was no longer perfect and I had let myself down. I decided to not care for school or my grades any longer. I would do whatever I would need to do at school so that I could get by and I decided that just as soon as I graduated I would no longer willingly put myself through the hell that was school. This decision made me feel an extreme amount of guilt because not only had I let myself down, but I had let everyone down. My parents, teachers and everyone who expected me to turn into this great person who would do wonderful things in life.

How, though, was I going to make a living later on in life if I was not going to go to college? My plan, up until that point had me going to college and then getting a well paying job and living the American dream. What then would I do? I needed to find something that drove me; something that I knew I wanted to do for the rest of my life; something that I had passion for. Once I found that one thing I vowed that I would do everything I could to educate myself about it. I would volunteer my time to get my foot in the door in order to start a career off early. After all, even back then, I knew that experience was worth more than a degree. A degree helps, but nothing will serve you more then knowledge, experience and most of all, connections with the people who are in the business. This was an extremely difficult time in my life. I was used to being number 1. I was used to being the smartest, the fastest and best at whatever I did. Now I was knowingly laying those things down so that I would not have to feel the pain, pressure and anguish that I had every single day up to that point. I knew that this decision was going to profoundly change the course of my life in ways that I could barely comprehend, and it did. My current trek through the world, in a lot of ways, is in direct relation to this very decision I made when I was 13 years old. I am still questing to find that thing that drives me and unleashes passion within.

It was during 8th grade when my only friend at the time, Alan, was diagnosed with bone marrow cancer. The cancer was isolated to his left knee and parts of the bone directly above it. Alan was taken out of school and he had surgery performed to remove the infected bone and knee in order to replace it with a metal counterpart. He underwent chemotherapy to hopefully eradicate any remaining rouge cells left behind. Alan did not return to Jr. High and I had no friends at school.

To sum up these years: I was a nerdy, now almost completely friendless, not so athletic teenager that decided he never again wanted to set foot in a school classroom if he could avoid it.

SCHOOL YEARS (HIGH SCHOOL)
The first couple months of high school was quite odd as I had no friends at school. My only friend at the time, Alan, was still out of school and in bed recovering from his surgery and chemotherapy. I continued to be his friend seeing him on Sundays, normally. That did not change the fact that I felt completely lonely and scared while I was at school. Alan did return my freshman year in high school and I was quite relieved. Finally, I had someone to eat lunch with and I could feel like I belonged somewhere. It did not take long for Alan to begin making other friends at high school which would turn into a real problem for me later. I, on the other hand, was not making any more friends in high school or otherwise, except on the computer in cyberspace.

It was during this time in my freshman year that I began talking in chat rooms on the internet. It was a way for me to express myself in ways that I could not in the real world. I would pick fights with people online and use it as a form of aggression release. It was a way for me to express all the pent-up emotion that I had build up throughout the day at school and at home. I developed many more online friends then I had ever had in the real world. I felt closer to some of these people then I did to anyone else at and time, and yet these were people who lived thousands of miles away.

With regards to school work: During this time the other students around me were constantly becoming more and more dedicated to their studies and their work. Talk of getting into good colleges was all over the high school campus and more and more students were coming to the realization that if they did not do good in their studies now, they would not be able to get into the college of their choice. Students would join study groups and get higher then 4.0 GPAs because of all the extra credit work they did. Students were enrolled in Honors and AP study classes. All the while, I watched as more and more of my peers became wonderful model school going children and I began to feel more and more guilty for the direction that I was headed. This guilt turned into anger and hatred towards school and education in general. I hated the students for making me feel the way that I did and I resented every minute of time that I had to be at school. I felt like I was wasting my time doing the very bare minimum of work that I had to in order to scrape by and all the while trying to be okay with the choice that I had made the previous year. These feelings of anger and hatred led to me never making any more friends at school. People did not want to get to know me and I hated all of them because of the way they made me feel about myself and because I associated them with my hatred of school. I was unhappy and did not want to be there and I am sure people could see that in me. I felt the four years of high school were going to be an utter waste of time for me. I was not going to get anything out of it and I looked forward to the day I could leave it all behind and never have to think about school again.

I remember coming home from school and being completely upset and angry at life and the educational system I lived in. I hated going to school and, most of all, I hated that once I got home from school, I would not be able to escape it because of the homework that I had to finish in order to get by. I never did any of the reading that was ever required of me. I learned that when it came to classes like English where you had to prove your knowledge of writing by writing, it was never really about writing something for the teacher that they already knew with regards to a subject or body of work, but I could get a good grade if I understood how my teacher thought and tailored what I wrote to them rather than simply writing bland text that answered the questions. I would almost always take extreme views when analyzing characters or themes and I would try to tie them all together in some weird or exciting way. It never mattered if my theories were right or wrong, only that I made them. This method I found worked about 90% of the time and I almost always got As on my writing assignments. This is really where I developed my ability to write things that are interesting for others to read. It was born out of necessity. I had to write well, or I would have needed to read the texts that were assigned to me. Since, at this time, I was in the chat rooms learning to type, I started doing my writing assignments on the computer rather then hand writing them. It was during this time in my freshman and sophomore years of high school that I learned to type quite fast and accurately. I believe it was all of this that directly relates to why I now enjoy typing up the blogs that I make as I travel.

During my sophomore year of high school my friendship with Alan began growing more distant. He was becoming friends with more and more people and wanted to do things at lunch that I really did not care to do. Since I had no other friends and would feel completely lost without him, I tagged along with him where ever he went. Alan is Chinese and speaks Mandarin. Soon he began hanging out with a bunch of other kids that also spoke Mandarin. He started having lunch with these friends and I would tag along. They would mostly talk in Mandarin, which I, of course, could not understand. I became an outcast of the group and could not relate to any of them except for Alan. I believe, though, Alan began to resent my tagging along with him and his new friends. I could not stand the thought of not hanging out with Alan and his friends, however, because without them I would have been completely alone and friendless. This continued into my Junior year.

Through these first two years of high school I was constantly thinking about what it was that I was going to do with the rest of my life. I was constantly thinking about what profession I was going to sink my effort into early so that I could start off a wonderful career. It was near the end of my sophomore year that I recall coming to the decision that becoming a Police Officer was a good choice for me. I knew that I enjoyed helping people and trying to make other people's lives better. I thought that there would be no better way to do this then to be a cop. My mother set me up to interview a husband of a friend of hers who happened to be a retired police officer so that I could ask him about the profession. It was through him that I learned about the Police Explorer program. Police Explorers is a volunteer program for young adults between the ages of 14-21 who have an interest in law enforcement. I was 15 when I put in my application and joined the Fremont Police Explorers in June of 1999 between my sophomore and junior years of high school.

This was it; this was my big opportunity to start my career off early, and I was going to do it right. I dedicated myself to the program. I learned anything and everything I could about the police department and made it my goal to be the best police explorer I could be so that by the time I was done with the program I would be ready to join a police department even though I did not have a college degree. I volunteered as much as I could. Anytime we were scheduled to do an event, I tried to be one of the people who was there. There were some weeks that I would be down at the police department doing something every day. I became very good friends with a lot of my other peers in the program and it became the one thing that I truly enjoyed doing in life at that time. The program was wonderful for me. It helped me to become a confident person and break my routine of being shy in all situations. I gained huge amounts of self-esteem and self-worth and began to feel good about myself as a person. I began to have hope for the future and for my career.

My junior year of high school was all about police explorers; nothing else really mattered to me. It was what I looked forward to every day. There were numerous times that I would not do homework so that I could go conduct traffic control at some fire that had broken out in the city or to participate in some other last minute event that needed people. I would always drop whatever it was I was doing so that I could go and volunteer at the program. At school, I still did not have any friends besides Alan. The friends that I had made, and were to make, through the explorer program never went to my school. I continued to hang out with Alan at lunch with his other friends so that I could feel somewhat normal, but I began to feel resentful towards him because of how his other friends treated me and how he seemed to not care. Since I was concentrating all of my time outside of school on explorers, I did not see very much of Alan except at school during this time.

When senior year rolled around I had learned to drive and had my driver's permit. I could not drive other people, but I could drive myself. I would drive to school and at lunch I would take my car to McDonald's to eat. It became my routine to eat there because of how inexpensive I could buy a meal that would fill me up. I got $15 a week allowance and needed to make every last penny stretch out towards the end of the week. McDonald's was my answer. I would always go to the drive-thru and typically be one of the first people there. I would buy my lunch and drive back to campus where I would eat in my car by myself. This way I did not feel awkward because it was just me in my own car listening to the radio and no one would really ever know just how alone I was.

Senior year of high school you are only required to take two classes: Econ/Government and English. The other 4 class periods were electives. In keeping with my "do as little as I need to get by" mode of school, I took classes I knew were going to be fairly easy and had little homework, but also ones that I had a vague interest in. I elected to take Psychology, Sociology, Photography and I became the office TA (talk about an easy A). I believe it was during my senior year when I realised that I did not want to become a police officer. I learned that being a cop is an extremely unforgiving career. Most people of the community that you are there to protect dislike you and most of the time the officer ends up having a huge dislike for the general populous as well. I believe this all stems from negative reinforcement. 99% of the time an officer is contacting someone it is because they have done something wrong and the officer needs to correct their behaviour. Most of the time officers are dealing with the same small percentage of criminals over and over again. In my experience I found there are typically two kinds of cops: The ones that can deal with all the negativity of the world that they face on a constant basis, and there are those that can't. The ones that can often develop what can only be described as a salty sense of humor as they learn to cope with all the negative energy of their job. The ones that cannot deal with the negativity end up being the cops you read about in the news and see on video beating the senseless crap out of people. These are the officers that cannot deal with the realities and hardships of their job and most of the time they end of taking it out on everyone around them. These are the officers that take a guy to jail for beating his wife and then goes home the same day to beat his own wife. I learned that if I did become a cop that I would be in a constant struggle to not be that officer. I was already a negative sort of person without all the terrible things that officers have to see and deal with on a constant basis. I learned that the job was not for me. Police explorers was a completely different matter though. I loved the program and I decided that I was going to stick with it even though I knew that I was not going to be a police officer.

I graduated high school when I was 17. It is my philosophy that the entire point of school is to teach a child the tools they need to be able to teach themselves. Did I get those tools during my school career? I would have to say no, but I could not have been happier to have finally gotten out of school and I made it through with mostly As and Bs even though I never really read a single thing. That summer I turned 18 and got a job working for the front desk of the Fremont Police Department. It turned out to be the greatest paying job I have ever had up to this point in time.

To sum up these years: I hated school with a passion, but my life changed forever when I got involved with the police explorers. I gained wonderful friends and an understanding about work, people and life that I still carry with me today.

JR. COLLEGE and WORK

After graduating, I was looking forward to not going to school ever again. This thought did not last very long, though, as my parents made clear to me that in order to be covered under their health insurance I was going to have to be enrolled in school. This made me quite upset, but I did it anyway. I figured I did not know what I was going to do for a career now, so I should take some classes that I thought were interesting and maybe something would pop out. I enrolled at Ohlone Jr. College, but did not declare a major. My first semester there I took 9 units, but it was made clear to me again by my parents that in order to be covered under their health insurance I had to be a full time student which meant 12 units. This, again, made me quite upset, but the next semester I took a full twelve units. I took classes about child development, philosophy, a lot of art, and even English and a math class to fill up some units because I did not know what else to take. It was in one of my art classes, 2D design, that I met Irene. I did not know it at the time, but I had just met the girl that I would fall in love with. Throughout these times in school I just knew her as a friend, and we did not share time together outside of school.

During this time I was still volunteering heavily at the Fremont Police Department. By this time I was one of the more senior people in the program and began taking charge of running the explorer program rather than just volunteering. This was a task I was very glad to have as I loved the program and the people. Even though I knew I did not want to be a cop, my love the for explorer program never died. In fact, as I started gaining more and more responsibility with the program, the more I loved it and wanted to stay.

My life, at this point, basically consisted of me spending most of my time at the Police Department. If I was not volunteering my time there, then I was working the front desk or I was off doing what minimum school work I had to in order to still have some health insurance via my parents coverage. School was still very much a thorn in my side and I wanted to get rid of it. I did not feel like I was getting anywhere with the classes I was taking and I felt it was a waste of my time. The problem was, if I was not going to be going to school then I was going to need to provide my own health insurance. The front desk job was part time only and unfortunately that meant that we did not get benefits. Had the front desk provided benefits, I would have stayed there much longer because I loved it so much; as it was though, they did not.

When I was 19 I dropped out of college and got a full time job working security at the Marriott hotel in Santa Clara, California. Since it was a full time job, that meant that I was not going to have time to do my part time job at the front desk of the police department any longer so I was forced to quit it. I loved working the front desk; it was trying and difficult at times, but I loved the people and I was constantly learning something new every single day. The one thing that I was determined to keep in my life was the explorer post; it was all I cared about and I was determined to stay an explorer even if it meant interfering with my paid work. I absolutely hated working for the Marriott and I especially hated the mentality of the business. Everything at the Marriott revolved around money. I do not know of a single person that worked at that place because they enjoyed their job. If any of us who worked there had a choice, we would have not come into work. It was terribly depressing and I hated every minute of it. I still had the police explorers, though. It was the one thing that kept me going. My life revolved around it and still I gained more and more responsibility as time progressed.

It was while I was working at the Marriott that I had my first relationship and girlfriend. Her name was Shannon. Our relationship lasted about 2 months, but ended just fine. We both knew we were not right for each other and parted ways. It was not long after Shannon that I entered into another relationship that lasted again for about another two months. Her name was Jaime and this one did not end as well as the first. Near the same time that I broke up with Jamie I was looking for a new job. From day one of working for the Marriott I was day dreaming about when the last day would come. It finally did and in May of 2004 I went to work for the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit District) Police Department. Even though I knew that I did not want to become a police officer, with all of my explorer experience, it was the field where I could get the best paying job.

Working for BART was not as terrible as working for the Marriott, but it was still pretty bad. I did not enjoy going to work--I was learning nothing new and my work was never appreciated by the other police department employees. My job basically consisted of writing parking citations all day long. In fact, most of the police officers would have cared less if we Community Service Officers were to all be fired, but we generate income for the district and we also provided a uniform presence in this post 9-11 world. It did not take long for me to tire of my new job as I mastered it fairly quickly. Through it all though, I still had the police explorers. I figured that I was making great money working for BART and I had wonderful benefits. I would work for BART until I was done with the Police Explorers then I would figure something else out.

After I turned 21 I could no longer stay in the police explorer program. I was forced to leave in January of 2005. It was around this time that I met Janae and had my first long term relationship. I learned a great deal from my relationship with Janae. At some point about halfway into the relationship I realised that she was not right for me, but I was unwilling to admit that to myself. This created a lot of problems between her and I and I finally ended our relationship, although not really on those terms. It was during my relationship with Janae that I decided that I was for sure going to go on some travels around the world. This trip would serve as purpose to broaden my horizons and expand my knowledge and understanding of me and who I am.

To sum up this time: This saw the end of my time as a police explorer and also served as a time for my development of serious relationships with the opposite sex. I learned that I could not stand to work a job whose sole purpose is to make money.

THE TRIP

I started putting some serious thought into my travels while I was still with Janae and after I broke up with her things started moving positively in that direction. One thing held me back though, and that was a lack of money. I had saved up a decent amount of money but in order for me to feel comfortable traveling around the world spending thousands and making nothing I felt I needed a little bit more. I was ready to quit BART any day to take up my travels around the world, but by this time I was no longer writing parking tickets. I was working on an inside job in the Personnel and Training Unit of the BART Police Department. I ended up befriending Officer Michael Davis whom I worked very closely with in the office and he was set to retire in June of 2007. Working with Mike in the office was much more bearable then writing worthless parking tickets all day long in a thankless job. I decided that I would work along with Mike until he retired and then I would leave BART and set out for my travels.

It was near the end of my work at BART that I happened to find Irene, the girl I met years earlier while going to Ohlone Jr. College, online via the social website Myspace. I sent Irene a message and not to long after that we met up and went on a bike ride together. Irene and I started spending a lot of time together. It came to the point for me that all I ever wanted to do was spend my time with her. I did not care what else was going on in my life as long as I got to see her. I took a leave of absence from my work at BART and I got to spend most of my waking hours with Irene. Somewhere along the way of spending all that time with her, I fell in love with her. Love has always been a difficult thing for me and I always thought that finding love would be a struggle in my life. Irene has put all those thoughts and fears out of my mind as I now know and understand exactly what being in love means.

I sit here now on my trip looking back to the past, trying to understand where I have come from so that hopefully I can then figure out where I am going in the future. I wish this trip were just about me exploring the world and experiencing new and different people and places. More and more, however, I feel a huge weight of pressure to find my calling and passion in life. I feel it so much so, that I am having a hard time enjoying the moments that I am in. I feel like I have a lot riding on this trip and I feel like I have so much to do and learn.

Seaton Pictures

Here are some pictures from the village where my cousin Jerry and his wife Charlotte live:

Seaton, England