with my death.

And so it is.
That on this day, at this very hour. That I, understandably so, set out on a journey of one so unspeakably pointless that it warrants nothing but one, seemingly ridiculous and drawn out sentence as to convey, not only to those who would read it, but unto myself what it is that I am feeling and what it is that I have felt.
Time is lost and the time has come.
Tired.
That I am tired of doing what I am supposed to do.
That I am tired of doing what is right.
That I am tired of fighting the fight never ending.
And yet, it does end and will end;
with my death.
Life is nothing but a pointless journey from here to there. A movement, a fleeting few tiny steps in the vast and incalculable continuum of that we call life.
So heavy a burden it lay upon our shoulders.
So deep it cuts into our hearts.
What will one do? How shall one go on when there is no fruit, no taste, no joy of that which is timeless.
Now is the time for the timeless. Now is the time for the seed is planted. There is nothing to do. It has already begun. The end. Your End. Our End.
For I am tired.

To the Master and the Maker:

There comes a time when all the roads and the paths come to a point. A fork in the ways. A crossing of thought, time and reality.

All things happen for a reason. The pain, sorrow, fear, pleasures, pursuits, passions.

We wander this life looking for meaning once had, now lost. There is nothing special or sacred to find out in the physical world.

All that we see, feel, hear, taste and smell can never tell the whole truth. All that is true - all that is real, exists within ourselves.

Choice is an illusion. You are but a small and insignificant part of a larger order. You are born of order and can only exist as order. Good, bad, right, wrong is a concept unknown in an orderly system.

There is nothing to do, to understand, to control. What must happen, will happen; what you must do, you will do.

Be the order, love thy self, drop judgement, 1 with now. I am separate; we are together; 1 is whole. 1 is real.

No Mind = No Problem

What if there was no Me? What if there was no thing to look at? No thing to observe and say, I did this or I did that? If there was no thing to label then there would be nothing one could compare one`s self to. All judgments would cease to exist for there would be nothing to judge against. Then it does not matter if there is actually a Me or not a Me. What matters is that one believes there to be a Me. I believe I exist. I believe I am here and am making choices and have the ability to change what is Me. Thus when things happen I judge as negative, I then have the desire to change it. When things happen to me I judge as positive, I have the desire to sustain it. If there was no Me that things happen to, there would cease to be desire.

Of Love, Judgements and Desire

Love and judgement are not the same thing. Do not mistake love to be a positive judgement of yourself. By judgement, I mean looking at the events of your life, the thoughts and choices you have made, and either liking or disliking what has happened. If I look upon the past and see something which has happened to me, that which I have thought or that which I have done and am happy with the results, that is not love for one`s self. Love can only exist when there is no judgment at all. When you judge yourself, you must first have an idea of what you desire or what you want to avoid. If there was no idea of the way things should be, the way I should act, the way I should feel, then there would be no judgement. Only when judgments are not present is there space for love to exist.

The Human Problem

It is a terrible thing...to be seeking something in this life; yet it seems that I am always seeking something. Always looking to the future, waiting for the thing to come along that will change all of this. I see that I am upset more people do not see this is going on in their minds as well. I hate that humanity is so blinded by itself. It seems that we are all so consumed with attaining and becoming more. To be something more is an endless internal pursuit. It does not matter how much you attain, learn, change, grow, the pursuit is never over and the fight continues on. This is not a fight that we are comfortable with, yet we do not know anything different. The only thing that the mind can do is hope to gain enough knowledge to break itself out of this pattern, and yet it is the very pattern and movement of the acquisition of knowledge that creates the problem in the first place. One cannot strive and desire to be desirless since the very thought in itself is a desire.

What then is one to do? When every day is a fight, a struggle full of fear with only brief moments of contentment and peace. What is one to do when one sees that all "I" have are thoughts and the subsequent memories those thoughts have created and clung to as the ultimate truth. The longer one lives, the more thoughts and memories are accumulated and built up into the structure of the thing that is called "me". It seems that once a mind has accumulated enough knowledge, thought becomes constantly active trying to control the future based on the past memories it has accumulated. It is like a ball bouncing endlessly in a tiny enclosed room. In order to control ones future, thought is always projecting ideas of what could be and what should be. It seems to the bouncing ball in the tiny room that it needs to gain more knowledge to expand the boundary of the walls so that it will eventually expand large enough to encompass everything and will then finally be able to predict all outcomes of life. The ball will then be safe, secure, happy. The ball does not see that it itself has made the walls in which it is housed and that the dropping of those walls is something that it is unwilling to do. There is so much fear about what exists outside of those walls.

I cannot ignore this fundamental problem that exists within me and seemingly the rest of humanity. Most others around me seem content to go on living in this way while ignoring the symptoms. I feel like I have come to a point in the middle between ignorance and action. I cannot ignore this problem, nor am I willing to move past where I am as it seems it would ultimately mean my death. The death of my ideas, my thoughts -- all that I believe what makes me, "me". Thus I want to have my cake and eat it too...alas life does not work like this.

It is a terrible thing to be human, born into the slavery of a mind which appears fundamentally flawed from day one. I can see this is why I get such a sad and helpless feeling when looking at children sometimes. I see their future, I see what is happening right in front of my eyes yet I feel powerless to do anything about it. Afterall, I am more caught in the chaos of an enclosed mind than they are. Babies are innocent because they have no past and no future. For them, everything is now, but it does not take long before that changes and thought starts trying to control in an attempt to escape pain and sustain happiness.